I am not sure the first time that I met you, and for lack of having that knowledge of that memory I am bitter. I do remember you with long hair. I remember you pregnant. I remember you reserved. You always had this look on your face that you knew something no one else seemed to know, but you were just waiting patiently for everyone else to learn the thing on their own. I admire you for that, your patience and willingness to let people figure things out on their own. I have never been good at that, but I’ve been getting better I suppose.
I remember sitting on a front porch with you, our feet propped up on the railing. There was a party going on inside. We talked about tattoos, children, and your honeymoon. How neither of you were old enough to rent a car so you drove a scooter around for a few days. You always can make the best out of any situation, things that seem to drive other people insane just causes you to work a little harder and the relax with more sincerity than others. We sat on the front porch and shared a cigarette, and then people seemed to one by one join us on the porch. We both seemed to slip into the conversations that were brought out. I think that is one of the things I like most about you, you instill in me a sense of stillness that forces me to be calm. I am like a dog and you someone gently holding the dog down, not aggressive just strong, keeping the dog out of trouble.
Maybe it is just my perception, but it always seemed like you were a champion on my side when any event would happen against me. Oh that said what about you? Fuck them! You are so loyal. I remember my Kentucky Hiatus and leaving a message for you and your family that you never got. Essentially, I regretted leaving my position as yall’s resident bachelor, a position which I believe I am officially returned too. I remember when I got back and come over to your house, your husband gave me the most bear like of bear hugs and said, “We thought we lost you there.” Then he told me how upset you were with me and I braced myself for a response I hadn’t quite anticipated. It was wonderful, you were so angry because you wanted to have had a chance to at least give me some granola for the road. You said if I did that again that I had better tell you at least, but that if I did it again you would not be as happy. Me the dog and you the hand gently and lovingly patting me and keeping me from trouble.
I am regretful that I have not pursued a friendship with you more than I have. I want to change that in the future, and I aim to do just that. Your importance and influence in my life is wholly understated, as I believe you to believe the second most important woman in my life. Thanks for being a great homie.
I hope that one day you and I get to sit on a front porch and share a smoke and a party makes its way to us.
When I Have Fears That I May Cease 